Falling in love is easy. Building a life together takes intention.

Falling in love is easy. Building a life together takes intention.

In the whirlwind of planning a wedding, it's tempting to assume that love will carry you through anything. But research – and the lived experience of countless couples - tells us something different. The strongest marriages aren’t just built on shared affection. They’re built on deep alignment, open communication, and the ability to navigate hard conversations with curiosity and respect.

Whether you’re newly engaged or hoping to take that next step in your relationship, here are four essential topics every couple should discuss before getting married:

 1) Connection: Love Isn't Enough - Emotional Intimacy Is Everything

Many couples assume that love guarantees lasting connection. But true emotional intimacy - the kind that sustains a relationship over decades - doesn’t happen automatically. It requires consistent, deliberate effort.

Emotional connection is built through small, intentional rituals. Through learning each other’s inner worlds and showing up during the hard moments. It means knowing you can be fully seen, heard, and supported without fear of judgment, shutdown, or dismissal.

How you check in with your partner on stressful days, how you repair after conflict, how you make space for your partner’s needs even when you don’t fully understand them … all contribute to emotional intimacy.

Over time, life gets louder - careers, kids, aging parents, curveballs. Without intentional habits that nurture connection, even the most loving couples can begin to drift.

One of the most protective traits in long-term relationships is attunement: the ability to remain curious about your partner’s inner world, especially when times are tough. Emotional attunement allows couples to talk openly, manage resentment, and stay grounded in their “we-ness,” even among life’s challenges.

Use these questions to explore how you care for your relationship now - and how you want to grow together:

• What helps each of us feel emotionally supported during hard times?
• What rituals make us feel most connected - weekly dinners, tech-free walks, morning coffee?
• What are our communication strengths as a couple?
• What’s one thing each of us could work on to become a better listener or communicator?
• What helps each of us feel safe to be their full, authentic self?
• Are there areas where one of us carries more than our share - emotionally, logistically, or mentally?
• Are there responsibilities one of us would like the other to take more ownership of?
• When do I feel like we’re functioning well as a team? When do I feel resentment creeping in?

The strongest couples don’t avoid hard conversations - they create safety so those conversations can happen.

 

2) Finances: Transparency, Trust, and the Blueprint of Your Future

Money affects everything - where you live, how you spend your time, what you prioritize, and how you handle the unexpected. Financial habits are so much more than swiping a credit card; they reflect values, beliefs, fears, and hopes.

Yet many couples sidestep financial conversations out of discomfort, shame, or fear of judgment. But if you’re building a life, a family, and a future together, financial transparency isn’t optional. It’s foundational.

That includes being honest about debt, spending, savings, goals - and the emotions that come with these things.

And yes, that includes discussing prenuptial agreements.

Too often, prenups are misunderstood as “planning for divorce.” But emotionally secure couples see prenups for what they really are: a proactive, respectful agreement that supports transparency, fairness, and long-term trust. Avoiding the topic is rarely about the prenup itself - it’s about fear of conflict, fear of being misunderstood, or lack of emotional safety.

When partners feel secure, conversations about money become opportunities for clarity and collaboration, which actually creates a deep feeling of intimacy.

Financial intimacy means you can be honest not just about how much you have, but also about what money means to you and by ensuring both partners feel agency, respect, and partnership, regardless of who earns more or handles the bills.

Use these questions the discuss finances with your partner:

• What are our shared financial goals over the next 5, 10, 15 years?
• What does financial security look and feel like to you?
• Who should handle which financial responsibilities?
• What messages did you receive about money growing up? What did you learn from your parents' habits?
• Do you prefer to spend money to save time or spend time to save money?
• What level of autonomy should each of us have with spending?
• Should we agree on a threshold for discussing large purchases?
• How do we feel about establishing a prenuptial agreement? What feelings come up around that?

If you’re not comfortable talking about money, you’re probably not ready to build a life together. Because every major life decision - where you live, whether you have children, how you navigate crisis - has a financial thread.

 

3) Family Planning: The Most Life-Changing Decision You'll Make Together

There is no change more profound than becoming parents. Let me be clear: it will affect everything - your identity, your relationship, your stress levels, your routines, your roles, your sex life, your freedom, and your sense of self.

That’s not a reason to avoid it - it’s a reason to start the conversation early, honestly, and with curiosity. 

As a therapist, I’ve heard countless parents say some version of: “I didn’t know how much having a child would change my marriage.”

Alongside the profound joy that parenthood brings is often grief: for the version of yourself and your relationship that existed before. The spontaneity. The freedom. The long stretches of uninterrupted time. The ability for you and your spouse to focus solely on one another. The attention and time you can give to your career, hobbies, and more. 

Too many couples enter parenthood without discussing these tradeoffs. Then, when the shifts come, they feel blindsided and alone. 

Resentment also grows with unspoken expectations - especially around labor, gender roles, and support. I’ve seen over and over how the mental load disproportionately falls on women. And those dynamics rarely start at birth - they’re rooted in unspoken beliefs and family-of-origin patterns that were never named out loud.

To navigate parenthood well, couples need to prepare for the change it brings - by talking openly about excitement, fear, division of labor, and support. These questions will help start the convo:

• What are your biggest fears about becoming a parent? What are you most excited about?
• How did your parents divide parenting responsibilities and how has that shaped your expectations?
• What do you want to replicate from your childhood? What do you want to rewrite?
• What would our ideal division of childcare and household labor look like?
• How do we plan to protect our relationship after becoming parents?
• What’s one thing you hope our children say about our marriage when they’re older?
• How will we communicate if one of us starts to feel unseen, unsupported, or overwhelmed?
• How do we keep our sense of self and identities while stepping into parenthood? What daily or weekly habits are non-negotiable for each of us - and how can we support each other in keeping them alive?

 

4) The Family Systems We Inherit

Marriage doesn’t just unite two people. It brings together two emotional ecosystems. You’re not just marrying each other. You’re marrying the other's history, upbringing, and relational blueprints. 

 That’s not a bad thing. Family often comes with joy, support and love.

 But it does require honest reflection.

We each come into marriage with unconscious templates: how we saw conflict handled, how love was shown (or withheld), what roles we were expected to play, how emotions were regulated, how gender and power were expressed. These early experiences become the scripts we default to in adulthood - unless we examine them with intention.

Talking about your families of origin isn’t about deciding how to spend the holidays. It’s about understanding the patterns you both inherited and deciding together which ones you want to carry forward and which ones you want to end.

Some families are close-knit. Others are distant. Some explode with conflict; others bottle everything up. These dynamics impact how we argue, how we ask for support, how we set boundaries, and how we expect our partner to show up.

And remember: your relationship becomes the first model of love, conflict, and communication your future children will witness. They will either model it, tolerate it, or hope to change it.

Have the courage to ask:

• What’s something your parents did that left a really positive, lasting impression on you?
• What’s something from your family of origin you don't want to repeat in your future family?
• What kind of boundaries do we want with both of our families?
• How did your family handle conflict growing up - and how does that impact how you engage now?
• Are there traditions you’d love to carry forward? Any you’d rather leave behind?
• What would we do if a family member judged our relationship or life choices?
• How involved should extended family be in our daily life and in raising our children?

These aren’t easy conversations, but they are transformative. Understanding each other’s families means understanding each other more fully and writing a new story together.

Final Thoughts: Love Is the Starting Line, Not the Finish Line

Marriage isn’t the finish line. It’s the starting point of a life you’ll co-create every day.

These conversations aren’t about agreement on every detail. They’re about emotional safety, shared understanding, and the ability to turn toward each other when things are uncertain or hard.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is partnership.

And the best partnerships are built by two people who are willing to ask hard questions, listen deeply, and keep choosing each other - every single day.