The Power of Validation in Parenting

The Power of Validation in Parenting

(For Young Children and Adult Children Alike)

Whether you’re parenting a toddler or navigating complex conversations with your adult child, one emotional skill matters more than most: validation.

Validation is the simple but powerful act of recognizing and honoring another person’s feelings as real and important. In parenting, validation isn’t just a nice gesture. It’s the glue that builds trust, strengthens connection, and fosters emotional safety for kids of all ages.

Maybe your toddler melted down because you gave them the green cup instead of the blue one. Maybe your adult daughter told you she felt hurt by something you said, and you found yourself snapping back, “Well, I guess I’m just a terrible parent then.”

At the heart of these moments is something simple and profoundly powerful: the human need to feel seen.

Let’s break it down.

Part I: Validation in the Parent-Child Relationship (Ages 0 - 18)

🔍 What It Looks Like:

Young kids and teens are constantly trying to make sense of their emotional worlds. When they come to you upset, angry, embarrassed, or overwhelmed, it’s often less about the actual thing that happened and more about seeking co-regulation and reassurance:

"Do my feelings make sense to you? Can you handle them?"

✅ When You Validate:

You say things like:

• “It’s okay to feel disappointed. I know you really wanted to go.”
• “That test was really hard, huh? I’d feel frustrated too.”
• “I get why you’re upset. That wasn’t fair.”

You teach your child that:

• Their emotions aren’t too much.
• They don’t have to hide their feelings to be loved.
• You are a safe place to go to with hard things.

And that trust? It compounds over time.

🚫 When You Don’t Validate:

It often shows up as:

• Minimizing: “It’s not that big of a deal.”
• Shaming: “Don’t cry over something so silly” or “Stop being dramatic.”
• Fixing too quickly: “It’s fine, here - just do this instead.”

These responses unintentionally teach:

• “My emotions are wrong or inconvenient.”
• “I can’t trust myself or my instincts.”
• “Big feelings will push people away.”

Over time, this leads to emotional shutdown, resentment, and behavioral struggles that are really just bids for connection and negative emotions gone unheard.

Part II: Validation in the Parent-Adult Child Relationship

🔍 What It Looks Like:

As adult children reflect on their upbringing or current emotional needs, they may come to you with honesty, hurt, or hard truths. This is not a rejection - it’s a bid for healing.

Adult children are often saying:
"I want to feel close to you, but I need to feel seen first."

But because it often involves confronting past pain, it can trigger guilt, shame, or defensiveness in parents.

✅ When You Validate:

You say things like:

• “I didn’t realize that’s how you experienced it. Thank you for telling me.”
• “It’s hard to hear, but I want to understand.”
• “I see how much that impacted you. I’m sorry I didn’t see it then.”

You show that:

• You can hold space for their truth, even if it’s uncomfortable.
• The relationship matters more than your ego.
• They are safe to be their full, complex selves with you.

And this lays the groundwork for real adult-to-adult intimacy, not just family obligation.

🚫 When You Don’t Validate:

It often sounds like:

• Defensiveness: “That’s not what happened.” “You’re exaggerating.”  
• Guilt-tripping or martyrdom: “I guess I was just a horrible parent then.” Or “After everything I’ve done for you…”
• Gaslighting: “You’re remembering it wrong.” “You’re being too sensitive.” “Just get over it - it’s not a big deal.”
• Reversing roles: “Well I felt like you didn’t appreciate me either.”

These reactions send the message:

• “Your feelings make me uncomfortable, so I’m going to shut them down.”
• “Your pain doesn’t matter unless it fits my version of events.”
• “I don’t have to look at my behavior if I label your reaction or interpretation as the problem”
• “I can ignore how I hurt you if I remind you of everything I’ve done.”

And instead of healing old wounds, it deepens them, leaving the adult child feeling like closeness requires self-abandonment.

💬 Final Thought: Emotions Are Bids for Connection

Validation doesn’t mean agreement. It doesn’t mean you failed. It means you value the relationship more than your ego in the moment. And that kind of presence - especially when things get uncomfortable - is what builds secure, resilient connection.

Whether your child is 6 or 36, their emotional expression is rarely about assigning blame or attacking you. It’s about yearning for closeness and understanding. They're saying: “I want to be close enough to share this with you.”

Validation is the tool that turns conflict into connection and hurt into repair.

It says:
“I care more about knowing you than defending myself.”
“Your experience matters here.”
“There is space for all of you in this relationship.”

“You are safe here. Your emotions are welcome here. I love all of you - even the parts that hurt.”

And that, in the end, is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.